This blog is written by Lee Gale Gruen to help retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors reinvent themselves in this new stage of their lives called retirement. Her blog, public lecture, and new self-help book on senior reinvention are titled: Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire. Her memoir is: Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class. Books descriptions follow her blog below. Both books are available at Amazon.com by clicking here and here. Her website is: LeeGaleGruen.com
Now, on to my blog:
There are some people who will pursue another with vigorous means to entice their object of attention. This might include things such as seductive behavior, expensive gifts, abundant attention, and the like. However, once their prey becomes interested (on a scale from a small amount to full-out falling in love with them), the predator’s interest wanes. The latter may then start retreating by acting poorly toward the former: ignoring them, berating them, severing ties with them.
However, the scenario doesn’t end there. When the prey starts to distance his/herself, the predator is suddenly interested and switches to wooing mode once again. It’s a crazy making game that can go on for years. Obviously, the only way for the prey to avoid such a seesaw is to always act hard to get in order to continuously stimulate the predator’s interest and keep them in constant pursuit. What an exhausting way to live!
I once had such a relationship–short term fortunately. I was baffled and couldn’t get a grasp on what was going on. After a few months of this back and forth, I walked away to healthier grounds. When I discussed the matter with a friend, he said that some people get off on the hunt but become bored once they have captured their prey.
Why do predators behave this way? I’ll venture a guess: it has to do with basic insecurity on their part. Oh, they might not act insecure as they’ve spent decades covering up those feelings and presenting a façade of confidence and power to the world and to themselves. Nevertheless, those lack-of-worth seeds still survive within them and distort their behavior.
Once they’ve bagged their prey, the predator’s subconscious feelings of insecurity kick in to the tune of: I’m nothing, so if you care about me, you must be nothing, too. Therefore, I’m no longer interested in you because you are a low-value person. I’ve written on this topic before in this forum. (Click here to read my blog of 1-21-18, “Why Does He/She Treat Me So Badly?”)
Have you experienced such a relationship or relationships in your life as either the predator or the prey? It’s a sad situation to find yourself in and usually leads to one failed relationship after another.
If you are the predator, the first step in changing yourself, if you are so inclined, is to realize what you are doing and why. Then, when you enter the rejecting phase in a relationship, you can view it through your new lens of understanding. This may help you in choosing some behavior modification techniques to preserve your relationship. However, since you’ve spent years honing your hunt versus capture technique, it may require professional help for you to give it up.
If you are or have been prey to such behavior, acknowledge the dynamics in the relationship. Refuse to play the rejected role. Don’t expect your predator to change; it’s you who must change. If you have a history of such relationships, think about what attracts you to such a predator. If it is chronic, you, too, may require professional help to change.
To Predators: Others are not on this planet to help you play out your insecurities. Knock it off!
To Prey: Don’t waste your time and energy being played like a yo-yo. Realize your value and don’t let anyone take it from you.
Photo credit: Huron County Museum & Historic Gaol on VisualHunt.com
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BOOKS BY: LEE GALE GRUEN
Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire (self-help): Not a one-size-fits-all approach, this self-help book for retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors offers an individualized, detailed guide to assist readers in discovering activities and pursuits in this new stage of their lives called retirement, based on their own likes and comfort level. I learned the secret the hard way transitioning from retired probation officer to actress, author, public speaker, and blogger. Audience members at my lectures on senior reinvention requested a book on the subject. This is the result, and it contains the content of those talks and six years of posts from this blog. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.
Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class (memoir): After retiring at age 60 from my 37-year career as a probation officer, I mistakenly enrolled in an acting class for seniors. A few weeks later, my mother died, and I invited my grieving, 85-year-old father to come to class with me. This is the true story of our magical journey attending that class together for three years, bonding more than ever. I wrote the comedy scenes we performed onstage twice a year in the acting class showcases, and all six scenes are included in the book. I eventually transitioned into the world of professional acting. As my fledgling, second career started going uphill, my dad’s health started going downhill. I would recount to him each of my new experiences while I sat beside his bed at the nursing home where he resided in his final years. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.
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Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years 