This blog is written by Lee Gale Gruen to help retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors reinvent themselves in this new stage of their lives called retirement. Her blog, public lecture, and self-help book on senior reinvention are titled: Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire. Her memoir is: Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class. Book synopses follow her blog below. Both books are available at Amazon.com by clicking here and here. Visit her website at: LeeGaleGruen.com
Now, on to my blog:
Have you ever been the receiver of a public shaming – that is with lots of onlookers around? I remember such behavior by some teachers toward the children in school when I was young. Unfortunately, it still exists in the grown-up world.
I was in a large class not too long ago, and a particular act I had done was singled out quite vocally by one person as an example of unacceptable conduct. Of course, all action stopped, and everyone present turned to look at me, the culprit, or at least it seemed that way in my mind. I felt humiliated and began stuttering and stammering, trying to explain my behavior, which was actually quite benign. My attempt to defend myself was quickly shut down with the reminder that we had to move on. As you can guess, I spent the rest of the time before the break upset and fuming, unable to pay attention to the classroom instruction being offered. So, what do you do in a case like that?
I had a few options. I could confront my harasser, insult him as he had insulted me, and permanently burn bridges. However, what would that yield me? We both were attending a class we enjoyed, and I would continue to encounter him week after week as we perpetuated a cold war and went out of our way to ignore each other. My new adversary might even badmouth me to others, only making the situation worse. Or, as the matter was relatively minor and probably now forgotten by most, I could simply let it go. But, what would that do for me? Since, in my opinion, I had been wrongly accused and subsequently convicted in everyone’s mind as my input was not part of the mix, I would spend the next few days beating myself up for not speaking out.
Some years ago, I made a decision that I would no longer allow anyone to mistreat me. I was going to challenge such behavior; I was not going to just let it pass, thereby enabling the perpetrator to score points on my back. So, while I was mentally ruminating and tuned out from the lesson at hand, I crafted a plan of action for the intermission. Then, I carried it out.
First, I walked up to the leader of the class, apologized for my behavior, and explained why I had done it, which had been for medical reasons. Then, I marched across the room where the perpetrator was standing. Very nicely and without malice, I told him that I had felt humiliated following his public pronouncement.
Now it was his turn to stutter and stammer; he probably hadn’t expected a retort. He said he had not meant it to be any big deal; he was just making a general point using me as an example. Nope, I was not having any of that! Regardless of his underlying motivation, I was the one who had been the communal scapegoat. I am not on this earth to be used as a prop in someone else’s drama–at least not without my permission. So, I continued my discussion with him, very calmly and without rancor, but making my point that he had no idea why I had behaved as I did, and it was not his place to be judge and jury. He apologized, and the meeting ended with us still on friendly terms–bet he doesn’t do that again.
When you need to stand up for yourself, try to formulate in advance the steps you will take so as not to act on impulse. Make sure you allow the other person to save face so that you don’t potentially end up the loser in the long run. Finally, don’t pull such public scolding behavior yourself. It is painful to others, nobody likes to be at the receiving end of it, and it will just make you enemies.
Photo credit: DonkeyHotey on VisualHunt
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BOOKS BY: LEE GALE GRUEN
Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire (self-help): Not a one-size-fits-all approach, this self-help book for retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors offers an individualized, detailed guide to assist readers in discovering activities and pursuits in this new stage of their lives called retirement, based on their own likes and comfort level. I learned the secret the hard way transitioning from retired probation officer to actress, author, public speaker, and blogger. Audience members at my lectures on senior reinvention requested a book on the subject. This is the result, and it contains the content of those talks and six years of posts from this blog. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.
Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class (memoir): After retiring at age 60 from my 37-year career as a probation officer, I mistakenly enrolled in an acting class for seniors. A few weeks later, my mother died, and I invited my grieving, 85-year-old father to come to class with me. This is the true story of our magical journey attending that class together for three years, bonding more than ever. I wrote the comedy scenes we performed onstage twice a year in the acting class showcases, and all six scenes are included in the book. I eventually transitioned into the world of professional acting. As my fledgling, second career started going uphill, my dad’s health started going downhill. I would recount to him each of my new experiences while I sat beside his bed at the nursing home where he resided in his final years. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.
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