This blog is written by Lee Gale Gruen to help retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors reinvent themselves in this new stage of their lives called retirement. Her blog, public lecture, and new self-help book on senior reinvention are titled: Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire. Her memoir is: Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class. Books descriptions follow her blog below. Both books are available at Amazon.com by clicking here and here. Her website is: LeeGaleGruen.com
CHITCHAT: I was recently interviewed for an online article sponsored by CVS Drug Stores. It includes a few personal photographs you might enjoy. Click here to read the interview.
Now, on to my blog:
What is a churner? It is one who operates a device used to convert cream into butter by manipulating a rotating mechanism inside a churn (container). Work the churn long enough and, abracadabra, you have a rich, flavorful toast topper.
Some people are also churners but without the need of a churn. What do such churners do, you might ask? Well, they churn (agitate), of course. Bring a churner into a compatible group, and suddenly things become chaotic. What was once calm and stable changes to disruptive, divisive, and even combative. Certain personality types always seems to interject discord wherever they go.
Do you know anyone who is a churner? Possibly you are a churner yourself. As you’ve ascertained by now, I’m not talking about the guy/gal at the helm of a butter churn. What I’m talking about is the type who is always “churning up the waters” as the expression goes.
Why do churners behave like that? They probably don’t even know themselves. Some of it may have to do with attention seeking, but I suspect it’s deeper than that. It’s as basic as wanting to be in control. Churners like to disturb the calm and foment constant controversy and worry on the part of their victims. If you push everyone else off kilter, then you can swoop in and take over. It’s a power grab technique! Churner types manage to get themselves into advantageous positions so they can wreak havoc on those over whom they wield such power.
Some in leadership roles use churning techniques as a management style. Politicians are often particularly adept churners. Churners can also be found much closer to home in the form of spouses, significant others, children, family members, teachers, employers, and the like. Whenever life seems to be going smoothly, you can bet your last shekel that they will be the ones to disrupt it.
How do you withstand a churner who has power over aspects of your life? How do you cope with his/her never ending threats, innuendos, loud asides, snide remarks, cruel nicknames, dismissals, put-downs, etc? There is only one way to survive anyone of this type, and that is to take away their power. Yes, I am aware of how difficult that is. Here’s a mantra you might use: Never want or need anything he/she has the power to give or take away. That’s pretty hard to do when the leverage they have over you is something like your employment, your school grades, or your private life. However, it is the only way to slither out from under their control.
One technique when the craziness starts is to back away, decamp, get the hell out of there. Another option is confrontation which may sound something like this: “Oh, I see you’re churning again, so I’ll just leave.” Then, most importantly, follow through. When you do, they’ll stop because it’s not much fun to churn alone. After all, they need ingredients (aka: you) to create the butter they crave.
If the situation becomes intolerable, make your plans to escape. If the relentless churner in your life is a boss, start thinking about transferring out of his/her department or looking for another job. If it is a spouse, start making your plans to wiggle out of the situation. If the churner has financial power over you, you may need to get a job if you don’t have one. If you lack skills, go to school or to a training program to acquire the expertise which will enable you to find employment and become financially independent.
I first heard that strategy discussed by a co-worker many years ago. She told me that soon after her young marriage, she realized she had made a terrible mistake in her choice of a husband who proved to be a controlling alcoholic. By that time, she was pregnant and dependent on him. So, she started making her plans. She went to college part-time which took many years before she graduated and was able to find a decent paying job. By the time she did so and left her husband, she had two children.
If you are burned out from forever being agitated by a churner in your life, do something about it. Map out your tactics, put them into effect, and stick to them no matter how long it takes, which could be years. You must be farsighted and forge a course of action for yourself. Only then can you work toward achieving your independence.
Photo credit: quinet via Visual hunt / CC BY
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SYNOPSES OF BOOKS BY: LEE GALE GRUEN
Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire (self-help): Not a one-size-fits-all approach, this self-help book for retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors offers an individualized, detailed guide to assist readers in discovering activities and pursuits in this new stage of their lives called retirement, based on their own likes and comfort level. I learned the secret the hard way transitioning from retired probation officer to actress, author, public speaker, and blogger. Audience members at my lectures on senior reinvention requested a book on the subject. This is the result, and it contains the content of those talks and six years of posts from this blog. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.
Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class (memoir): After retiring at age 60 from my 37-year career as a probation officer, I mistakenly enrolled in an acting class for seniors. A few weeks later, my mother died, and I invited my grieving, 85-year-old father to come to class with me. This is the true story of our magical journey attending that class together for three years, bonding more than ever. I wrote the comedy scenes we performed onstage twice a year in the acting class showcases, and all six scenes are included in the book. I eventually transitioned into the world of professional acting. As my fledgling, second career started going uphill, my dad’s health started going downhill. I would recount to him each of my new experiences while I sat beside his bed at the nursing home where he resided in his final years. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.
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Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years 