Do We Betray the Dead by Choosing to Live?

This blog is written by Lee Gale Gruen to help retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors reinvent themselves in this new stage of their lives called retirement. Her blog, public lecture, and new self-help book on senior reinvention are titled: Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire. Her memoir is: Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class. Book descriptions follow her blog below. Both books are available at Amazon.com by clicking here and here. Her website is: LeeGaleGruen.com

Now, on to my blog:

I have a friend who was widowed some years ago. She and her husband had been married for several decades when he died. She felt intense grief after his passing and was depressed for a long time. She couldn’t escape the emptiness in their home with signs of him everywhere: the furniture they bought together; his aftershave lotion on the counter next to the bathroom sink; his slippers in the closet. She could barely function for well over a year.

We are all felled by a close death whether it be a spouse, parent, child, friend, other significant person, or even a pet. Grieving is a necessary first step in the healing process.

My aforementioned friend eventually started to venture out–slowly at first. When she found herself forgetting about her husband briefly while enjoying herself in the company of others, she felt guilty. So, she isolated again for many months.

Victorian era custom had widows dressing in all black “widow’s weeds” for long periods of time, even the rest of their lives, after the demise of their husbands. It was probably due to the influence of Queen Victoria who did so for the forty years she lived after the passing of her husband, Prince Albert, in 1861.

Is that custom life affirming or pathological? Is it a betrayal of a deceased spouse or significant other to want to go on with your life? What about dating? Is it okay to want to partner up again?

There are no rules here, even though some individuals or institutions attempt to impose them. That is only a power grab on their part over vulnerable people gripped by anguish. After the sorrow dissipates, a normal occurrence which may take months or years, humans eventually get tired of self-imposed isolation. It is natural, healthy and imperative to reach out to others; to begin to spread your wings; to craft a positive, joyous life for yourself.

If you are in such a situation, you must consider an important question: Do you want to live? You are not a bad person to choose life no matter which route you take: socializing, dating, remarrying, seeking a job or returning to a career, exploring new pursuits… You can still do so in conjunction with remembering and missing your departed one. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Photo credit: Matt From London on VisualHunt.com

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BOOKS BY: LEE GALE GRUEN

Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire (self-help): Not a one-size-fits-all approach, this self-help book for retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors offers an individualized, detailed guide to assist readers in discovering activities and pursuits in this new stage of their lives called retirement, based on their own likes and comfort level. I learned the secret the hard way transitioning from retired probation officer to actress, author, public speaker, and blogger. Audience members at my lectures on senior reinvention requested a book on the subject. This is the result, and it contains the content of those talks and six years of posts from this blog. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class (memoir): After retiring at age 60 from my 37-year career as a probation officer, I mistakenly enrolled in an acting class for seniors.  A few weeks later, my mother died, and I invited my grieving, 85-year-old father to come to class with me.  This is the true story of our magical journey attending that class together for three years, bonding more than ever.  I wrote the comedy scenes we performed onstage twice a year in the acting class showcases, and all six scenes are included in the book.  I eventually transitioned into the world of professional acting.  As my fledgling, second career started going uphill, my dad’s health started going downhill.  I would recount to him each of my new experiences while I sat beside his bed at the nursing home where he resided in his final years. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

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Losing Your Independence

This blog is written by Lee Gale Gruen to help retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors reinvent themselves in this new stage of their lives called retirement. Her blog, public lecture, and new self-help book on senior reinvention are titled: Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire. Her memoir is: Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class. Book descriptions follow her blog below. Both books are available at Amazon.com by clicking here and here. Her website is: LeeGaleGruen.com

NOTES: Sometimes my readers ask me to write about a particular subject. This blog stems from such a request.

Now, on to my blog:

As we age, things that used to be easy to do become more difficult. Our bodies don’t function as well; our brains don’t remember like they used to; our abilities diminish in general. We gradually begin to find some tasks harder and harder. That may reach a crisis point where we have to give up certain activities and pursuits.

One of the most difficult losses is the operation of an automobile. Cars offer their drivers incredible independence. People can come and go as they please. However, when you no longer have the quick reflexes and reaction time necessary to operate a motor vehicle safely, it is imperative that you stop doing so. Such a driver becomes a serious hazard to themselves and others.

Many seniors are unable to assess or refuse to accept when their give-it-up time comes. That often requires some significant person or entity making the decision: children, doctors, courts, etc. It may not go smoothly, and there is the possibility of hurt feelings all around. Nevertheless, count yourself lucky that you have caring people in your life who are willing to devote the time and energy to insuring your welfare; not everyone has that as they age. If you’re in the latter category, set things in place now while you can so you’ll have the care you need if and when it becomes necessary rather than burying your head in the proverbial sand with an it’ll-never-happen-to-me attitude.

What about living independently? Sometimes that becomes unsafe as we age and become more infirm. Things in the household can pose a danger such as bathing or operating a stove. Again, seniors often resist the idea of moving into a facility such as an assisted living home, where they might get help with basic chores.

Even walking can be fraught with danger if your body is not cooperative with all that the act of ambulation entails. Seniors tend to fall more frequently than they did when they were younger and more agile. Yet, so many resist assistive devices such as canes or walkers, because it is the mark of being old. Only after they fall and break their hip or other bones are they willing to consider such alternatives. By then, the damage is done.

We’ve all heard that well-known adage credited to 1940s movie actress Bette Davis: “Old age ain’t no place for sissies.” Yes, it’s a rough road. However, we have no choice but to proceed forward, weathering whatever obstacles come our way in the aging process. Do your best to adapt, and seek out other activities or alternatives that will help you lead a satisfying, quality life, regardless of the fact that it is different from what you’re used to.

You may not be able to drive a car, but you can take a bus or a ride share service such as Uber or Lyft. You may not be able to cook for yourself, but you can order meals delivered or buy pre-prepared meals–senior programs will deliver meals to your door ready to be heated up and eaten. You may no longer be able to run that marathon you did when you were younger, but you can take a walk in your neighborhood or in a wilderness area. (I’ve written on this topic before in this forum. Click here and scroll down to read my blog of April 2, 2018, “A Hitch in Your Gitalong,” and here to read my blog of June 26, 2015, “Battling the Inevitability of Aging.”)

There are many alternatives to aid you in living an active and fulfilling life. Don’t be embarrassed to use them just because they may be the sign of getting old.

Photo credit: @imaxeslugo on Visualhunt

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BOOKS BY: LEE GALE GRUEN

Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire (self-help): Not a one-size-fits-all approach, this self-help book for retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors offers an individualized, detailed guide to assist readers in discovering activities and pursuits in this new stage of their lives called retirement, based on their own likes and comfort level. I learned the secret the hard way transitioning from retired probation officer to actress, author, public speaker, and blogger. Audience members at my lectures on senior reinvention requested a book on the subject. This is the result, and it contains the content of those talks and six years of posts from this blog. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class (memoir): After retiring at age 60 from my 37-year career as a probation officer, I mistakenly enrolled in an acting class for seniors.  A few weeks later, my mother died, and I invited my grieving, 85-year-old father to come to class with me.  This is the true story of our magical journey attending that class together for three years, bonding more than ever.  I wrote the comedy scenes we performed onstage twice a year in the acting class showcases, and all six scenes are included in the book.  I eventually transitioned into the world of professional acting.  As my fledgling, second career started going uphill, my dad’s health started going downhill.  I would recount to him each of my new experiences while I sat beside his bed at the nursing home where he resided in his final years. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

***

Please forward my blog in its entirety to anyone who might be interested, and post it on your Facebook, Twitter and other social media accounts. To reprint any material, contact me for permission at: gowergulch@yahoo.com. If you want to be automatically notified when I post a new blog, click on the “Follow” button in the upper right corner of this page and fill in the information. To read my other blog posts, scroll down on this page or click on “Recent Posts” or “Archives” under the Follow button. To opt out of receiving this blog, contact me at the aforementioned email address, let me know, and I’ll remove you from the list.