The Affliction of Perfection

This blog is written by Lee Gale Gruen to help retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors reinvent themselves in this new stage of their lives called retirement. Her blog, public lecture, and new self-help book on senior reinvention are titled: Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire. Her memoir is: Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class. Synopses of her books follow her blog below. Both books are available at Amazon.com by clicking here and here. Her website is: LeeGaleGruen.com

Now, on to my blog:

So many strive to be perfect, like an antique, porcelain vase–so exquisite, so flawless. People with this affliction need to look impeccable at all times, exceed at school and employment, have a happy family, and on and on. They will go to great lengths to achieve this goal, even to the point of imperiling their own physical and mental wellbeing.

That’s a curse I’ve been fighting for decades ever since I became aware in grammar school of the requirement for perfection. For me, and I’m sure for too many others, it’s much harder to not be perfect than to be perfect. Personal perfection was drilled into my generation starting in childhood for both males and females. The paths for the different sexes was different then but is less so these days. That same pressure on children is still ongoing, just in another iteration.

I have to work at it all the time to give myself permission to be less than… or even to fail. I can be compassionate and understanding with another’s stumble while beating myself up for the same behavior. Being kind to yourself is soooo hard to do.

In some handmade Persian rugs and carpets, the weavers deliberately make a mistake. The rationale is to not offend Allah, as they believe only their God creates perfection. Deliberate flaws are also practiced by Navajo weavers. The defect allows the maker’s spirit to find its way out of the rug if it becomes trapped there during the rendering. Such behavior serves to remind the craftsmen that errors are intrinsic to human beings.

Are you afflicted with the illness of perfection? Do you berate yourself when you don’t achieve it? Do you spend days in a bad mood, often without knowing why? Are you far harder on yourself than on anyone else? Isn’t that getting old already? What can you do about it?

The reality is that we’ll probably never be able to throw off the affliction of perfection completely–it’s too ingrained. What we can strive for is to reduce the time we spend being distressed about our lesser performance. Like so many other behavior changes, it will only happen in baby steps.

Be mindful when you’re feeling that vague, down sensation. Be conscious of when it is spreading and washing over you. Explore whether the underlying cause is because you didn’t excel in a recent situation. Realize what you’re doing to yourself. Acknowledge that you want to move past it. Then, endeavor to let it go, forgive yourself, and move on.

If you practice that technique or something similar, you may find that the amount of time between the first and last steps diminishes. It will be a slow process, but keep at it. Of course, with or without using such a method, you’ll eventually get from the “bummed out stage” to the “letting-it-go” stage just as you always have. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could do so in hours rather than days?

Photo credit: Silk Road Collection on Visualhunt.com

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SYNOPSES OF BOOKS BY:  LEE GALE GRUEN

Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire (self-help): Not a one-size-fits-all approach, this self-help book for retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors offers an individualized, detailed guide to assist readers in discovering activities and pursuits in this new stage of their lives called retirement, based on their own likes and comfort level. I learned the secret the hard way transitioning from retired probation officer to actress, author, public speaker, and blogger. Audience members at my lectures on senior reinvention requested a book on the subject. This is the result, and it contains the content of those talks and six years of posts from this blog. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class (memoir): After retiring at age 60 from my 37-year career as a probation officer, I mistakenly enrolled in an acting class for seniors.  A few weeks later, my mother died, and I invited my grieving, 85-year-old father to come to class with me.  This is the true story of our magical journey attending that class together for three years, bonding more than ever.  I wrote the comedy scenes we performed onstage twice a year in the acting class showcases, and all six scenes are included in the book.  I eventually transitioned into the world of professional acting.  As my fledgling, second career started going uphill, my dad’s health started going downhill.  I would recount to him each of my new experiences while I sat beside his bed at the nursing home where he resided in his final years. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

***

Please forward my blog in its entirety to anyone who might be interested and post it on your Facebook, Twitter and other social media accounts. To reprint any material, contact me for permission at: gowergulch@yahoo.com. If you want to be automatically notified when I post a new blog, click on the “Follow” button in the upper right corner of this page and fill in the information. To read my other blog posts, scroll down on this page or click on “Recent Posts” or “Archives” under the Follow button. To opt out of receiving this blog, contact me at the aforementioned email address, let me know, and I’ll remove you from the list.

Reduced to Tears

This blog is written by Lee Gale Gruen to help retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors reinvent themselves in this new stage of their lives called retirement. Her blog, public lecture, and new self-help book on senior reinvention are titled: Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire. Her memoir is: Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class. Synopses of her books follow her blog below. Both books are available at Amazon.com by clicking here and here. Her website is: LeeGaleGruen.com

Now, on to my blog:

Have you ever been out and about doing your thing, and you see someone or a group of someones who move you unexpectedly and intensely? Such a situation is usually unanticipated. It might tap into something very personal for you and even reduce you to instant tears, a disconcerting feeling.

What do you do in such an event? Do you stare unabashedly as the scene unfolds? Do you look away and sneak furtive glances? Do you approach and attempt to engage the person or persons in conversation? Do you repay them in some way for “making your day”? Do you castigate them for ruining your day?

I had such a situation happen to me recently. However, I was the mover not the movee. I have an adult, developmentally disabled daughter, and we were at a local, fast-food restaurant sitting at a table on the patio eating hamburgers. My daughter, always chatty, was commenting and asking questions about everything and everyone, especially the other customers.

“What is that man eating, Mom?”

She pointed to a young man dressed in a shirt and tie sitting alone at a table next to ours.

“It looks like a hamburger, the same as we have.”

I told her that we should not disturb him and just let him enjoy his lunch. She didn’t say anymore on the matter, but she continued to stare at his fascinating cuisine.

The object of her interest finally finished eating while we were about halfway through our meal, and he got up and left. A short time later, I noticed him coming out of the restaurant. He then walked directly up to us, placed a plastic card on the table that had the name of the restaurant on it, and said, “Here, this is for you.”

I looked at the man and told him I didn’t understand. He answered, “I want you to have this. It’s for free meals the next time you come.”

I thought he might work there, but I still couldn’t fathom why he was giving us the gift card, so I questioned him further about it. He went on to explain the reason for his gift. He had been observing my daughter and me, and he was very moved by our interaction. He had a special needs sister whom he had not seen for over a year, and he missed her very much.

The man was wearing a Covid mask, but I could tell that he was holding back tears behind the face covering. We had obviously struck a chord in him, and his only way of showing appreciation and connecting with us was to buy us a gift card. I knew that the kindness on my part would be to accept his offering, which seemed to mean a lot to him.

“Thank you very much. We’ll definitely come back and use it.”

Our benefactor acted eager to leave; I think he was dismayed and embarrassed by his show of emotion. He probably never imagined that one minute he would be casually eating his lunch and the next minute he would be breaking down in public like that.

I had a similar scenario happen to me many years ago. I was at a park with a friend. He had to get something from the car, so I was just sitting on the blanket waiting for him. I noticed a man and a young child at the small creek nearby. He was holding her under her arms while he skipped her feet from stone to stone as she giggled. It was apparent that the small girl with the perky, blond ponytail was severely handicapped. My friend returned a few minutes later to find me sobbing uncontrollably. It had tapped into my role as the mother of a disabled child which I’d been managing to handle with great fortitude.

Sometimes, unplanned encounters act upon us so suddenly and with such force that we lose control. They access deep emotions that we’ve been suppressing. The surprise element hits us before we can muster our defenses, and the feelings burst forth on their own accord. It is nothing to be ashamed of. We all have profound sensibilities which we have buried and which sometimes spring to the surface despite our best efforts. View it as a blessing and not a curse; it’s okay to be human.

Photo credit: vastateparksstaff on VisualHunt

***

SYNOPSES OF BOOKS BY:  LEE GALE GRUEN

Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire (self-help): Not a one-size-fits-all approach, this self-help book for retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors offers an individualized, detailed guide to assist readers in discovering activities and pursuits in this new stage of their lives called retirement, based on their own likes and comfort level. I learned the secret the hard way transitioning from retired probation officer to actress, author, public speaker, and blogger. Audience members at my lectures on senior reinvention requested a book on the subject. This is the result, and it contains the content of those talks and six years of posts from this blog. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class (memoir): After retiring at age 60 from my 37-year career as a probation officer, I mistakenly enrolled in an acting class for seniors.  A few weeks later, my mother died, and I invited my grieving, 85-year-old father to come to class with me.  This is the true story of our magical journey attending that class together for three years, bonding more than ever.  I wrote the comedy scenes we performed onstage twice a year in the acting class showcases, and all six scenes are included in the book.  I eventually transitioned into the world of professional acting.  As my fledgling, second career started going uphill, my dad’s health started going downhill.  I would recount to him each of my new experiences while I sat beside his bed at the nursing home where he resided in his final years. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

***

Please forward my blog in its entirety to anyone who might be interested and post it on your Facebook, Twitter and other social media accounts. To reprint any material, contact me for permission at: gowergulch@yahoo.com. If you want to be automatically notified when I post a new blog, click on the “Follow” button in the upper right corner of this page and fill in the information. To read my other blog posts, scroll down on this page or click on “Recent Posts” or “Archives” under the Follow button. To opt out of receiving this blog, contact me at the aforementioned email address, let me know, and I’ll remove you from the list.

Props

This blog is written by Lee Gale Gruen to help retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors reinvent themselves in this new stage of their lives called retirement. Her blog, public lecture, and new self-help book on senior reinvention are titled: Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire. Her memoir is: Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class. Synopses of her books follow her blog below. Both books are available at Amazon.com by clicking here and here. Her website is: LeeGaleGruen.com

CHITCHAT: On August 2, 2021, I was interviewed on LA Talk Radio “The Polished Woman.” To listen to the podcast, click here: https://www.latalkradio.com/content/polished-080221, hit play, and slide the button on the progress bar to 13:29 minutes.

Now, on to my blog:

Have you ever known someone who is always on, always performing, usually to direct attention to him/herself? Maybe you are that type of person. We all want attention, but I’m talking about the ones who have carried that pursuit to an extreme.

Everyone is a potential prop in their dramatization. They play off of us to any onlookers they can attract, all with the goal, conscious or not, of enhancing themselves and “wowing” their audience.

I worked with a man many years ago who was a master of this technique. I was periodically his target when he’d blindside me, grabbing me around the waist while his buddies looked on. The worst incident was when he forced me backwards, held me in a dance dip position, and started nibbling my neck “all in fun,” as he laughed and performed for the ogling office staff, which was mesmerized by his charismatic personality. Yes, he was the performer in the limelight, and I was his non-consenting prop.

Today, that type of behavior could be classified as sexual harassment. Back then, although embarrassed, I just laughed it off as, Oh, that’s just Jack being Jack. Jack-being-Jack made me uncomfortable, but I didn’t have the words, tools, or support to do anything about it. Jack was not the only one who tried such antics on me at the office, he was just the worst.

The governor of New York has recently resigned due to a pattern of sexual harassment behavior toward woman on his staff. Harvey Weinstein, not so long ago at the pinnacle of a major film production company, is now serving a prison sentence for similar behavior. It’s amazing how the empowerment of classes of people can now bring down those who view themselves as entitled to act with impunity toward them.

Yes, Mr. Governor, times have changed. However, the line that you and others like you have crossed has not been moved as you assert; it has just been outed. Such behavior has always been unacceptable, but today, perpetrators are identified, confronted, and ejected from their lofty positions.

Let me be clear: intimidating behavior can be carried out by women, too; it’s not gender based. It may also include acts other than sexual harassment, which can occur in any setting, not just a work environment. Any type of threat or duress to gain compliance from the victim for the benefit of the offender is part of this pattern. The commonality is that it occurs by the more powerful toward the less powerful for the purpose of advantage to the former.

If you are a victim of uncomfortable, embarrassing, humiliating, intimidating, or criminal behavior by someone with significant dominion over you, how might you respond? There are several avenues available to you:

1. You can shrug it off.
2. You can stew in private.
3. You can walk away from the situation (for the moment or permanently).
4. You can confront your harasser (caveat: have a witness present).
5. You can publicize the situation either within your institution or to the public in general (ex: company newsletters or internet social media).
6. You can file official or legal actions.

Fortunately, today there are many more support groups backing you up. However, you do take the risk of that veiled threat being carried out such as loss of employment, damaged reputation, and the like.

Many of the powerful have fallen in recent years after their behavior has been exposed. It’s not necessary to continue succumbing to harassment aimed at you. You can have a voice.

Photo credit: nffcnnr on Visualhunt.com

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SYNOPSES OF BOOKS BY:  LEE GALE GRUEN

Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire (self-help): Not a one-size-fits-all approach, this self-help book for retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors offers an individualized, detailed guide to assist readers in discovering activities and pursuits in this new stage of their lives called retirement, based on their own likes and comfort level. I learned the secret the hard way transitioning from retired probation officer to actress, author, public speaker, and blogger. Audience members at my lectures on senior reinvention requested a book on the subject. This is the result, and it contains the content of those talks and six years of posts from this blog. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class (memoir): After retiring at age 60 from my 37-year career as a probation officer, I mistakenly enrolled in an acting class for seniors.  A few weeks later, my mother died, and I invited my grieving, 85-year-old father to come to class with me.  This is the true story of our magical journey attending that class together for three years, bonding more than ever.  I wrote the comedy scenes we performed onstage twice a year in the acting class showcases, and all six scenes are included in the book.  I eventually transitioned into the world of professional acting.  As my fledgling, second career started going uphill, my dad’s health started going downhill.  I would recount to him each of my new experiences while I sat beside his bed at the nursing home where he resided in his final years. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

***

Please forward my blog in its entirety to anyone who might be interested and post it on your Facebook, Twitter and other social media accounts. To reprint any material, contact me for permission at: gowergulch@yahoo.com. If you want to be automatically notified when I post a new blog, click on the “Follow” button in the upper right corner of this page and fill in the information. To read my other blog posts, scroll down on this page or click on “Recent Posts” or “Archives” under the Follow button. To opt out of receiving this blog, contact me at the aforementioned email address, let me know, and I’ll remove you from the list.

Unspoken Norms

This blog is written by Lee Gale Gruen to help retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors reinvent themselves in this new stage of their lives called retirement. Her blog, public lecture, and new self-help book on senior reinvention are titled: Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire. Her memoir is: Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class. Synopses of her books follow her blog below. Both books are available at Amazon.com by clicking here and here. Her website is: LeeGaleGruen.com

CHITCHAT: On August 2, 2021, I was interviewed on LA Talk Radio “The Polished Woman.” To listen to the podcast, click here: https://www.latalkradio.com/content/polished-080221, hit play, and slide the button on the progress bar to 13:29 minutes.

Now, on to my blog:

They are not uttered in public; they’re not written down; no one will admit to them. They are the unspoken rules of society passed down from parent to child. They don’t even have to be verbalized to little Justine or Janine. Just a look, a nod, a smile, or a frown from a parent, teacher, or other role model conveys all that is needed.

These silent instructions on how to behave and with whom to associate permeate race, religion, ethnicity, and socio/economic levels: “Stay away from ‘them,’ ” or “Hang around with your own kind.” Lessons such as these form today’s caste system wrapped up in a new bow but just as crippling. They restrict those of different groups from intermingling “too much.” They govern who little J or J grows up to associate with, marry, and even what they study in school, where they work, and in what neighborhood they live.

Yes, times they are a changin’ but by inches rather than miles. Prejudice abounds and influences. Whole genres of people are excluded from progressing just because they don’t fit in, don’t belong. When we as a collective perpetuate such conduct, we miss out on potential betterment.

Gustavo Dudamel, the world renowned symphony conductor, was born into a poor, Venezuelan family. He was mentored as a child through “El Sistema,” a program in his home country to train disadvantaged but gifted children in classical music. By 2009, he rose to become the conductor of the Los Angeles Philharmonic Symphony, and he continues to serve in that capacity as its music and artistic director.

Why do the offspring of rich, prominent people receive so many more advantages with such little effort compared to a Dudamel? Top universities offer legacy admissions to children of renowned alumni. Often, donations or prestige to said schools are part of the mix. Are these entitled kids so talented that they contribute significantly to the benefit of the greater good? Well, some may be, but many are not, bagging those coveted spots despite their own mediocre showing while waving around Mommy or Daddy’s creds.

Ponder the future benefits to our country that could be wasted by awarding the best college opportunities and job positions based on parentage or social position. Consider the genius we might be overlooking as so many jockey to keep particular groups down. Look at the potential skills and contributions that might fall by the wayside due to classifying hundreds of thousands of immigrants as illegal and therefore not allowed in. There could be a future Albert Einstein languishing in those detention cages.

Is mankind destined to continue shooting itself in its proverbial foot generation after generation? Will we remain small-minded forever? Where are our visionary leaders to put a stop to such backward thinking and lead us to greater advancement, prosperity, and happiness?

Photo by Manuel Nägeli on Unsplash

***

SYNOPSES OF BOOKS BY:  LEE GALE GRUEN

Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire (self-help): Not a one-size-fits-all approach, this self-help book for retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors offers an individualized, detailed guide to assist readers in discovering activities and pursuits in this new stage of their lives called retirement, based on their own likes and comfort level. I learned the secret the hard way transitioning from retired probation officer to actress, author, public speaker, and blogger. Audience members at my lectures on senior reinvention requested a book on the subject. This is the result, and it contains the content of those talks and six years of posts from this blog. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class (memoir): After retiring at age 60 from my 37-year career as a probation officer, I mistakenly enrolled in an acting class for seniors.  A few weeks later, my mother died, and I invited my grieving, 85-year-old father to come to class with me.  This is the true story of our magical journey attending that class together for three years, bonding more than ever.  I wrote the comedy scenes we performed onstage twice a year in the acting class showcases, and all six scenes are included in the book.  I eventually transitioned into the world of professional acting.  As my fledgling, second career started going uphill, my dad’s health started going downhill.  I would recount to him each of my new experiences while I sat beside his bed at the nursing home where he resided in his final years. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

***

Please forward my blog in its entirety to anyone who might be interested and post it on your Facebook, Twitter and other social media accounts. To reprint any material, contact me for permission at: gowergulch@yahoo.com. If you want to be automatically notified when I post a new blog, click on the “Follow” button in the upper right corner of this page and fill in the information. To read my other blog posts, scroll down on this page or click on “Recent Posts” or “Archives” under the Follow button. To opt out of receiving this blog, contact me at the aforementioned email address, let me know, and I’ll remove you from the list.

Hoarding

This blog is written by Lee Gale Gruen to help retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors reinvent themselves in this new stage of their lives called retirement. Her blog, public lecture, and new self-help book on senior reinvention are titled: Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire. Her memoir is: Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class. Synopses of her books follow her blog below. Both books are available at Amazon.com by clicking here and here. Her website is: LeeGaleGruen.com

Now, on to my blog:

We all save things under the guise of “you never know when you may need it.” This “stuff” can range from old furniture and clothes to string and paper bags. In this age of too much waste and a trend toward recycling, such behavior is laudable. However, what happens when saving becomes chronic? There is a term for that: hoarding.

There are several possible reasons for why one becomes a hoarder. Explanations can include an obsessive-compulsive disorder, an adaptation to having experienced deprivation in earlier years, or having been raised in a similar environment.

Some hoarders live among excessive clutter to the point of not being able to sit on chairs and couches inside their homes, such locations having been usurped by their treasures. They may have to walk through narrow paths etched out of their possessions just to travel from room to room.

Hoarding behavior spills over into all domains of its practitioners: garages, cars, workplaces, and the like. Many of these locations can barely be breached due to the barricade constructed from their cache. There are the stacks of newspapers and magazines waiting to be read or re-read. There is the latest Amazon gadget not yet assembled. There might be that very serviceable item begging to be repaired.

Hoarders aren’t able to clean the house of accumulated dirt and dust because they can’t even get to it. Assorted vermin such as mice, rats, and insects may have taken up residence among the tunnels and caves created by the stash. These creatures are very content with their oh, so comfortable living arrangements. Their offspring thrive on the conditions, and great and great-great grandchildren proliferate. These multigenerational families live side by side as the hoarder continually increases their housing stock.

Hoarders are often well organized; they know where everything is. They may have to dig through several inches or feet of their piles to find what they are seeking, but that is just a minor inconvenience to them. The hoarder is usually quite content with this way of living. It is others who have a problem with it. So, the extreme hoarder may stop inviting people to visit. They can’t face another comment like, “Gee, everything is all over the place. Are you moving?” or “It looks like a bomb fell in here.”

Clutterers and hoarders are not quite the same. They probably fall on a continuum with the former being the lite version of the latter. Nevertheless, regardless of the degree of messiness of such a lifestyle, it may prove unpalatable to those on the neatness end of the scale.

If you are a hoarder and are happy with your home as you’ve arranged it, then there is no problem. However, what if you are someone who shares a dwelling with a hoarder such as a spouse, child, parent, or roommate? If you’re okay with it, again there’s no problem. However, what do you do if you hate living that way but have decided for whatever reason (love, lack of funds, still a minor…) to continue residing with the hoarder?

Here are several possible approaches to consider:

1. You can change your own outlook and make peace with living that way.
2. You might bargain with the hoarder to limit their collections to just the garage or specific rooms in the house.
3. You may opt to limit yourself to specific rooms and turn over the rest of the residence to the hoarder and his/her proclivities.
4. You can hire a professional organizer who will arrive with containers, boxes, files, and the like.
5. You might opt to live in different abodes if you can afford it while still maintaining your relationship.
6. As extreme hoarding may be a mental health disorder or connected to depression, you might need to seek outside intervention from a counselor or therapist to help negotiate a deal with your hoarder.
7. You may need to terminate the relationship to ever achieve the neat, orderly life you crave.

Many of these suggestions involve disrupting the hoarder’s modus operandi to one degree or another. Expect resistance and relapses from your resident pack rat. Remember, they don’t have a problem; it’s you with the problem.

Image by Bill Kasman from Pixabay

***

SYNOPSES OF BOOKS BY:  LEE GALE GRUEN

Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire (self-help): Not a one-size-fits-all approach, this self-help book for retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors offers an individualized, detailed guide to assist readers in discovering activities and pursuits in this new stage of their lives called retirement, based on their own likes and comfort level. I learned the secret the hard way transitioning from retired probation officer to actress, author, public speaker, and blogger. Audience members at my lectures on senior reinvention requested a book on the subject. This is the result, and it contains the content of those talks and six years of posts from this blog. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class (memoir): After retiring at age 60 from my 37-year career as a probation officer, I mistakenly enrolled in an acting class for seniors.  A few weeks later, my mother died, and I invited my grieving, 85-year-old father to come to class with me.  This is the true story of our magical journey attending that class together for three years, bonding more than ever.  I wrote the comedy scenes we performed onstage twice a year in the acting class showcases, and all six scenes are included in the book.  I eventually transitioned into the world of professional acting.  As my fledgling, second career started going uphill, my dad’s health started going downhill.  I would recount to him each of my new experiences while I sat beside his bed at the nursing home where he resided in his final years. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

***

Please forward my blog in its entirety to anyone who might be interested and post it on your Facebook, Twitter and other social media accounts. To reprint any material, contact me for permission at: gowergulch@yahoo.com. If you want to be automatically notified when I post a new blog, click on the “Follow” button in the upper right corner of this page and fill in the information. To read my other blog posts, scroll down on this page or click on “Recent Posts” or “Archives” under the Follow button. To opt out of receiving this blog, contact me at the aforementioned email address, let me know, and I’ll remove you from the list.

Coming Out Party

This blog is written by Lee Gale Gruen to help retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors reinvent themselves in this new stage of their lives called retirement. Her blog, public lecture, and new self-help book on senior reinvention are titled: Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire. Her memoir is: Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class. Synopses of her books follow her blog below. Both books are available at Amazon.com by clicking here and here. Her website is: LeeGaleGruen.com

Now, on to my blog:

It used to be that only debutantes had coming out parties. They were called balls–glitzy and expensive social gatherings accompanied by music, dancing, and food. Young women, typically daughters of wealthy families, were formally introduced to society and appropriate, eligible bachelors.

Currently, we are in the midst of a different type of coming out party: an international, collective, coming out of lockdown party. It celebrates leaving behind a physical and mental state imposed upon us by the Covid 19 pandemic that isolated us from each other and prevented us from reaching our full potential.

Fortunately, technology provided us with ways to connect via such inventions as Zoom and other online interfaces. However, after over a year of Zooming and the like, it’s gotten wearisome. We are anxious to shed our chrysalis and fly free.

Many of my clubs and activities are opening up for in-person get-togethers and leaving our internet meetings behind. Social connection video websites, even with their limitations and glitches, have been wonderful to occupy us and fill our hours of isolation during that forced cloister state. However, my intermittent back pain reminds me that I have been spending too many hours sitting in front of a computer screen filled with little boxes containing talking heads. Now, I am anxious to exchange virtual human interaction for the real thing. It’s time to give up that alone life inside my abode and come out into the daylight.

Long since fully vaccinated, I am slowly discarding my cloak of hibernation just as millions of cicadas, those elusive insects, recently did in large swaths of our country at their own coming out party after seventeen years of lockdown. In comparison, we humans have been fortunate that our sequestration was only a year.

It has been a slow, cautious awakening. It still feels strange to be anywhere in the vicinity of other homo sapiens without a protective covering over my mouth and nose lest I transmit or receive those killer, aerosol drops.

We are social animals meant for real human contact. It nourishes and nurtures us.

Photo credit: Beach650 on VisualHunt.com

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SYNOPSES OF BOOKS BY: LEE GALE GRUEN

Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire (self-help): Not a one-size-fits-all approach, this self-help book for retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors offers an individualized, detailed guide to assist readers in discovering activities and pursuits in this new stage of their lives called retirement, based on their own likes and comfort level. I learned the secret the hard way transitioning from retired probation officer to actress, author, public speaker, and blogger. Audience members at my lectures on senior reinvention requested a book on the subject. This is the result, and it contains the content of those talks and six years of posts from this blog. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class (memoir): After retiring at age 60 from my 37-year career as a probation officer, I mistakenly enrolled in an acting class for seniors.  A few weeks later, my mother died, and I invited my grieving, 85-year-old father to come to class with me.  This is the true story of our magical journey attending that class together for three years, bonding more than ever.  I wrote the comedy scenes we performed onstage twice a year in the acting class showcases, and all six scenes are included in the book.  I eventually transitioned into the world of professional acting.  As my fledgling, second career started going uphill, my dad’s health started going downhill.  I would recount to him each of my new experiences while I sat beside his bed at the nursing home where he resided in his final years. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

***

Please forward my blog in its entirety to anyone who might be interested and post it on your Facebook, Twitter and other social media accounts. To reprint any material, contact me for permission at: gowergulch@yahoo.com. If you want to be automatically notified when I post a new blog, click on the “Follow” button in the upper right corner of this page and fill in the information. To read my other blog posts, scroll down on this page or click on “Recent Posts” or “Archives” under the Follow button. To opt out of receiving this blog, contact me at the aforementioned email address, let me know, and I’ll remove you from the list.

Unsolicited Critiques

This blog is written by Lee Gale Gruen to help retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors reinvent themselves in this new stage of their lives called retirement. Her blog, public lecture, and new self-help book on senior reinvention are titled: Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire. Her memoir is: Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class. Books descriptions follow her blog below. Both books are available at Amazon.com by clicking here and here. Her website is: LeeGaleGruen.com

Now, on to my blog:

There is a certain critical personality type. They often make unsolicited, hurtful comments to friends and strangers alike. These can be in the form of left-handed compliments that seem on their face to be positive but have a zinger at the end. I don’t know if the perpetrators are even aware of how their scolding verbalizations come across. Here are a few I’ve received down through the years, none of which I requested:

“Lee Gale, you’re so attractive. You’d be a knockout if you had your face done.” This was uttered by a “friend” who herself chased after that illusive youth using plastic surgery and other procedures. She once confided that she’d have another face-lift if she could afford it. She was in her 70s at the time.

“You know, you’d look much younger if your hair weren’t white.” This was pronounced by a first date who himself had questionable hair. (I think I’ve mentioned this one before in another blog; I’ve never forgotten his verdict.)

“I see you’ve stopped going to the beauty shop and let your hair color grow out. You always did have trouble spending money.” This was expressed by a neighbor who had been a casual friend whom I hadn’t seen in years. She sported an expensive, dyed/highlighted coiffure sitting atop her 85-year-old body.

A relative recently told me that someone commented on her weight problem with the “helpful” suggestion that she attend Weight Watchers. Does the commenter think the victim of their “well-meaning” suggestion doesn’t know about that program? Does said messenger think that they are bringing enlightenment to said receiver of their unrequested advice? Just about all people battling being overweight know more than anyone the programs, literature, and treatments available. They don’t need to be schooled by “well-doers.”

Why do people act like that? Where did they learn such insensitive behavior? Are they really clueless as to how painful such remarks can be? Often, the answer to those questions has to do with their own insecurities. Maybe a parent, teacher, sibling, spouse or peer was hypercritical of them? Perhaps they are perfectionists who insist on that trait in everyone else? They might get a payoff by making someone else squirm?

When you closely examine such a “Good Samaritan,” you may find that they are not as perfect as they’d like to think they are. Everyone has faults. Often, the very thing they criticize others for is something they hate in themselves.

If you’re a person who nitpicks with your criticisms, think about why you do that? Then, cut it out or you might end up with no friends at all. We really don’t want to hear your negative editorials. If we are such a turnoff to you in our present form, then take your business elsewhere. Remember and practice that old adage: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

Photo credit: svklimkin on Visualhunt.com / CC BY-SA

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SYNOPSES OF BOOKS BY: LEE GALE GRUEN

Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire (self-help): Not a one-size-fits-all approach, this self-help book for retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors offers an individualized, detailed guide to assist readers in discovering activities and pursuits in this new stage of their lives called retirement, based on their own likes and comfort level. I learned the secret the hard way transitioning from retired probation officer to actress, author, public speaker, and blogger. Audience members at my lectures on senior reinvention requested a book on the subject. This is the result, and it contains the content of those talks and six years of posts from this blog. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class (memoir): After retiring at age 60 from my 37-year career as a probation officer, I mistakenly enrolled in an acting class for seniors.  A few weeks later, my mother died, and I invited my grieving, 85-year-old father to come to class with me.  This is the true story of our magical journey attending that class together for three years, bonding more than ever.  I wrote the comedy scenes we performed onstage twice a year in the acting class showcases, and all six scenes are included in the book.  I eventually transitioned into the world of professional acting.  As my fledgling, second career started going uphill, my dad’s health started going downhill.  I would recount to him each of my new experiences while I sat beside his bed at the nursing home where he resided in his final years. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

***

Please forward my blog in its entirety to anyone who might be interested and post it on your Facebook, Twitter and other social media accounts. To reprint any material, contact me for permission at: gowergulch@yahoo.com. If you want to be automatically notified when I post a new blog, click on the “Follow” button in the upper right corner of this page and fill in the information. To read my other blog posts, scroll down on this page or click on “Recent Posts” or “Archives” under the Follow button. To opt out of receiving this blog, contact me at the aforementioned email address, let me know, and I’ll remove you from the list.

How to Pitch to Seniors

This blog is written by Lee Gale Gruen to help retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors reinvent themselves in this new stage of their lives called retirement. Her blog, public lecture, and new self-help book on senior reinvention are titled: Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire. Her memoir is: Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class. Books descriptions follow her blog below. Both books are available at Amazon.com by clicking here and here. Her website is: LeeGaleGruen.com

Now, on to my blog:

Many younger people don’t seem to have a clue about how to talk to seniors. They use words and techniques that are inappropriate for the conversation, the setting, or the interaction. I have heard this from other seniors and experienced it myself, often in retail sales situations where a younger salesperson is trying to sell his/her widgets to someone the age of their grandparents. I’ve written on this subject previously in this forum. (See my blog of December 29, 2016: Words that Diminish.)

I’ve never understood why enterprises don’t teach inter-generational communication techniques in their employee training sessions. Seniors make up a huge demographic with plenty of money to spend on merchandise and services. They should be courted and approached with the goal of a successful deal. That starts with meaningful communication. So, in the interest of commerce for the betterment of all, here are some tips for those in the business world on how to pitch to senior clients:

1. Don’t demean us by calling us sweetie, honey, my boy, young lady/man, or any other diminutive term that reduces us in stature and makes us childlike.
2. Don’t use “young people” jargon; it makes you appear inexperienced and amateurish. Expressions such as “awesome” or “cool” used as one-word interjections or responses instead of the adjectives that they are belong in conversations with your peers, not in a professional world. When a senior hears such terms, they lose confidence in your ability to handle the business at hand and their money.
3. Don’t speak louder figuring we’ll understand better unless you see signs that we are hearing impaired. We may look frail and vulnerable, but we are not kids. We studied hard in school, worked at jobs and careers, and reared our children.  We are very smart and perceptive even if we don’t look or act it.
4. Identify who your buyer is. If we are the paying customer, talk to us. Never infer by your approach that we are less than adequate. If we are the one pulling out the credit card, signing the check, opening our wallet, or handing you the coins from our piggy bank, we are your target customer.
5. If we are accompanied by someone younger such as one of our adult children or grandchildren, do not talk past us and aim your pitch to them because you think they’re better able to understand. If we’re paying the bill, aim your pitch to us. If we need help from our companion, we can ask for it. 
6. If someone with us begins to assume the major role in the discussion/negotiation, always include us in anything you say, whether it be by spanning your eyes at both of us, addressing each of us individually one after the other, or however you accomplish delivery to a group.
7. Figure out our needs. For example: If I’m shopping for a new car and just want one that is easy to handle, stop trying to sell me all the complicated Bells and Whistles which I don’t understand and can’t operate. Just start with five wheels, four to roll on and one to steer. You might briefly mention that there are optional add-ons if I’m interested, but then shut up. If I want more information about the heated seats, cruise control, lane assist, keyless entry, or any of the other B&Ws that car manufacturers have created to pry additional money out of me, I’ll ask about them. Shoving them down my throat makes me gag and want to flee.
8. Treat seniors with respect and dignity at all times.
9. Always remember: Never, ever, ever shut us out, or you do so to your own detriment.

Finally, to seniors: if any of the above happens to you, just turn and walk away. Never submit to being treated poorly. You deserve to be respected and dealt with properly by anyone with whom you come in contact no matter who they might be.

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SYNOPSES OF BOOKS BY: LEE GALE GRUEN

Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire (self-help): Not a one-size-fits-all approach, this self-help book for retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors offers an individualized, detailed guide to assist readers in discovering activities and pursuits in this new stage of their lives called retirement, based on their own likes and comfort level. I learned the secret the hard way transitioning from retired probation officer to actress, author, public speaker, and blogger. Audience members at my lectures on senior reinvention requested a book on the subject. This is the result, and it contains the content of those talks and six years of posts from this blog. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class (memoir): After retiring at age 60 from my 37-year career as a probation officer, I mistakenly enrolled in an acting class for seniors.  A few weeks later, my mother died, and I invited my grieving, 85-year-old father to come to class with me.  This is the true story of our magical journey attending that class together for three years, bonding more than ever.  I wrote the comedy scenes we performed onstage twice a year in the acting class showcases, and all six scenes are included in the book.  I eventually transitioned into the world of professional acting.  As my fledgling, second career started going uphill, my dad’s health started going downhill.  I would recount to him each of my new experiences while I sat beside his bed at the nursing home where he resided in his final years. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

***

Please forward my blog in its entirety to anyone who might be interested and post it on your Facebook, Twitter and other social media accounts. To reprint any material, contact me for permission at: gowergulch@yahoo.com. If you want to be automatically notified when I post a new blog, click on the “Follow” button in the upper right corner of this page and fill in the information. To read my other blog posts, scroll down on this page or click on “Recent Posts” or “Archives” under the Follow button. To opt out of receiving this blog, contact me at the aforementioned email address, let me know, and I’ll remove you from the list.

Aw, Go Fly a Kite

This blog is written by Lee Gale Gruen to help retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors reinvent themselves in this new stage of their lives called retirement. Her blog, public lecture, and new self-help book on senior reinvention are titled: Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire. Her memoir is: Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class. Books descriptions follow her blog below. Both books are available at Amazon.com by clicking here and here. Her website is: LeeGaleGruen.com

Now, on to my blog:

I was walking in a lovely park on a beautiful spring day with my son recently. What a treat! His family was occupied with other activities. Usually there is someone else around competing for his attention, but this time I had him all to myself.

After strolling through pristine nature including along the waterline of a Pacific Ocean bay, we came upon a section filled with kites and their handlers. They were of all sizes, shapes, colors, and persuasions, both aerial gliders and grounded pilots. There was even a mobile kite shop housed in a truck to fulfill all one’s kiting needs.

I guess the word had gotten around to the local practitioners and aficionados as to the location of the kite happening. New arrivals steadily joined those already there, with many launching their prized entrants.

The gliders battled in an unofficial competition, vying for the originality of their designs and the skill of their operators. They sported elaborate patterns, long tails, and a human at the other end adept at manipulating the thin string that separated them. I witnessed complicated maneuvers including swooping, soaring, and a variety of loop-the-loops. One acrobatic combination outdid the next with the tails forming coils, snakes, figure eights and the like.

Kites bring up many thoughts. “Go fly a kite” was a provocative taunt used by young people which began over 100 years ago. It was also blurted out to encourage an irritating person to leave. Of course, I must not forget to mention the most famous kite flyer of all: Benjamin Franklin. In 1752, he proved the connection between lightning and electricity by attaching a wire, a hemp string, a silk string, and finally a metal key to a kite which he launched during a thunder storm. For more in-depth details of Franklin’s experiment, google it.

We humans are like kites. We soar to great heights, swoop to great lows, and our wobbly path through life definitely consists of loop-the-loops. Yet we are tethered to our responsibilities: family, children, jobs… The leash keeps us secure, but it should not stop us from flying. Always be a kite. Just because you are grounded and stable does not mean you can’t reach for the sky.

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SYNOPSES OF BOOKS BY: LEE GALE GRUEN

Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire (self-help): Not a one-size-fits-all approach, this self-help book for retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors offers an individualized, detailed guide to assist readers in discovering activities and pursuits in this new stage of their lives called retirement, based on their own likes and comfort level. I learned the secret the hard way transitioning from retired probation officer to actress, author, public speaker, and blogger. Audience members at my lectures on senior reinvention requested a book on the subject. This is the result, and it contains the content of those talks and six years of posts from this blog. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class (memoir): After retiring at age 60 from my 37-year career as a probation officer, I mistakenly enrolled in an acting class for seniors.  A few weeks later, my mother died, and I invited my grieving, 85-year-old father to come to class with me.  This is the true story of our magical journey attending that class together for three years, bonding more than ever.  I wrote the comedy scenes we performed onstage twice a year in the acting class showcases, and all six scenes are included in the book.  I eventually transitioned into the world of professional acting.  As my fledgling, second career started going uphill, my dad’s health started going downhill.  I would recount to him each of my new experiences while I sat beside his bed at the nursing home where he resided in his final years. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

***

Please forward my blog in its entirety to anyone who might be interested and post it on your Facebook, Twitter and other social media accounts. To reprint any material, contact me for permission at: gowergulch@yahoo.com. If you want to be automatically notified when I post a new blog, click on the “Follow” button in the upper right corner of this page and fill in the information. To read my other blog posts, scroll down on this page or click on “Recent Posts” or “Archives” under the Follow button. To opt out of receiving this blog, contact me at the aforementioned email address, let me know, and I’ll remove you from the list.

Loss, Loss, and More Loss

This blog is written by Lee Gale Gruen to help retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors reinvent themselves in this new stage of their lives called retirement. Her blog, public lecture, and new self-help book on senior reinvention are titled: Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire. Her memoir is: Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class. Books descriptions follow her blog below. Both books are available at Amazon.com by clicking here and here. Her website is: LeeGaleGruen.com

Now, on to my blog:

A friend recently asked me to write a blog about death or decline as is happening to many friends in her life and certainly in mine. She talked about the sadness she feels as she deletes yet one more contact from her address list. That reality also hits as she sees names she recognizes in the obituary column or hears about the passing of celebrities in the upper age ranges.

When we reach the category of senior citizen, we are supposed to enter our golden years. The prize is to be wise, content, and find purpose. Yes, we may have those feelings some of the time, but like all ages and stages, life is cyclical.

One of the low points of being a senior is how losing peers seems to be accelerating. This ranges from significant others to mere acquaintances. The number of collective deaths increases dramatically as more and more age plateaus are reached.

Living in a senior retirement community of thousands, I hear ambulance sirens more often than before I moved here. News of someone in my sphere dying has sped up, like the counter on the gas pump as you squeeze harder on the nozzle trigger. So many close friends or relatives are gone. Those who are left keep wondering which one will be next.

Many years ago, my longtime friend, Maya, and I had a similar discussion. She had been slowly deteriorating as her Parkinson’s disease progressed.

“You’re the last man standing, Lee Gale,” she told me one day, while comparing my robust body with her frail one.

I lost Maya a few years ago. She was four years younger than I. Her husband allowed me to choose some of her belongings to keep. Although they don’t match my decor, that’s not important. They enhance my home, reminding me of her and of our friendship, which is so much more important than lack of color or style coordination. Other rooms display belongings from family members and friends who are now gone, too. Those treasures comfort me and make me feel connected to the ones who have exited my life.

I’ve written before on loss and death. See my blogs of December 9, 2018: “A Tandakoan’s Reflection on an Obituary,” and December 4, 2016: “The Death of a Friend.”

Such considerations can cripple us and plunge us into fear and depression. We must fight against harmful emotions by trying hard to emphasize the wondrous parts of our lives. Of course, it’s restorative to mourn our losses. However, at the same time we must preserve what brings us pleasure and purpose: friends, family, activities, learning, exploration, and so on? Don’t let those valuable nuggets slip away. Hang onto them as if your life depended upon it, because it does. Continue to immerse yourself in those pursuits, and let them heal you.

SYNOPSES OF BOOKS BY: LEE GALE GRUEN

Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire (self-help): Not a one-size-fits-all approach, this self-help book for retirees, those soon to retire, baby boomers, and seniors offers an individualized, detailed guide to assist readers in discovering activities and pursuits in this new stage of their lives called retirement, based on their own likes and comfort level. I learned the secret the hard way transitioning from retired probation officer to actress, author, public speaker, and blogger. Audience members at my lectures on senior reinvention requested a book on the subject. This is the result, and it contains the content of those talks and six years of posts from this blog. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class (memoir): After retiring at age 60 from my 37-year career as a probation officer, I mistakenly enrolled in an acting class for seniors.  A few weeks later, my mother died, and I invited my grieving, 85-year-old father to come to class with me.  This is the true story of our magical journey attending that class together for three years, bonding more than ever.  I wrote the comedy scenes we performed onstage twice a year in the acting class showcases, and all six scenes are included in the book.  I eventually transitioned into the world of professional acting.  As my fledgling, second career started going uphill, my dad’s health started going downhill.  I would recount to him each of my new experiences while I sat beside his bed at the nursing home where he resided in his final years. CLICK here TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON.COM.

***

Please forward my blog in its entirety to anyone who might be interested and post it on your Facebook, Twitter and other social media accounts. To reprint any material, contact me for permission at: gowergulch@yahoo.com. If you want to be automatically notified when I post a new blog, click on the “Follow” button in the upper right corner of this page and fill in the information. To read my other blog posts, scroll down on this page or click on “Recent Posts” or “Archives” under the Follow button. To opt out of receiving this blog, contact me at the aforementioned email address, let me know, and I’ll remove you from the list.

Photo credit: Tobyotter on Visualhunt